A friend of mine asked what would happen if whoever threw away their mittens sees me wearing them. Good question. Sooner or later, someone's going to catch you with their trash and it's going to be awkward. So what do you do when caught being trashy? Here's my list of possible options.
1. Explain your garbage-pickin' self and scold them lightly about their wastefulness. (Buuuut-- that's the normal, sensible reaction. Are we trash pickers normal and sensible?! ARE WE?! ...Well, yes, for the most part, but that doesn't change the fact that this method is fucking boring, so I suggest one of the others.)
2. Smile sweetly and ask if they'd like it back. Hypnotize them with your soulful eyes and overwhelming charm.
3. Blatantly lie. Ehh, and you might as well toss in a weird accent to throw 'em off guard. Example:
Wasteful human: Is that the box of cheerios I just threw away?
You: No, ma'am, ah bought this 'ere box-uh cereal m'self o'er yonder westo' the Mississipi.
4. Really quickly stuff the rest of it in your mouth and run. (I probably wouldn't do this one if I was approached about the trash mittens. I mean, I could probably fit a mitten in my cavern of a mouth, but... no.)
5. Change the subject really fast.
Wasteful human: Are you eating the sandwich I just tossed?!
You: - Hey, is that Ghandi over there?!
- What's your opinion on grape flavored things?
- Wanna see the scar on my knee?
Etc, etc. They'll think you're a crazy weirdo, but hey- trifling matters when you've got yourself a free sandwich.
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