My article's in the Water Tower!

I illustrate for the Water Tower (UVMs's alternative newsmag) every week, but this week's issue is a tad different...I actually wrote something!  I've been an illustrator for the past year or so, but I thought it was high time I delved into the world of writing...and I think it turned out alright.  I'll give you one guess as to what I wrote about.  You can find my article, "Eatin' Garabge" on page 5!  (Side note: you can also find a quick blip about me in the "I want you so bad" section on page 9.  Apparently I have a not-so-secret admirer.  Woohoo!)

You can read the issue here:

http://www.uvm.edu/~watertwr/PDF/WT-website-2012-01-31.pdf

Food that (GASP!) didn't come from the trash.

It's been a pretty bleak weekend for trash-finding.  In fact, I found nothing at all.  I know what's going through your mind right now-- "She's the trash digging queen, how can she not find anything?!" Or maybe, "Man, she's really been off her game..."  And to those comments, I say: never give up!  Did Lloyd give up on Diane in the quintessential 80's movie "Say Anything" when she starts to doubt their relationship?!  No!  He stood outside her window with a fucking BOOM BOX.  Did Sonya Thomas (winner of the 2009 women's hotdog eating world championship) stop at 15 hotdogs because she was full?!  No!  She ate fucking FORTY-ONE.  Judy Pugh lost one of her cats in a tornado and never gave up searching for it-- what happened?!  It fucking SHOWED UP.  

  So what have we learned here?  Keep looking in the trash.  Sometimes people actually end up eating what they buy, hence leaving a trash deficiency and yes, it sucks having to actually use your meal plan 100% of the time, but you've gotta suck it up and keep on keepin' on and writing run-on sentences.  Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be trash.  (Annie reference, anyone?  Gahhd, someone come slap some of the lameness out of me).

(In case you were wondering about the miraculous cat recovery...)

So, instead of snacks from the garbage, we ate snacks from my fridge.  And that was pretty much just as good.  As you can tell from this wonderfully attractive photo of myself below, we made ants on a log.  And hey, it tastes pretty much the same in college as it did in preschool-- wonderful with a hint of nostalgia.  Except this time we used craisins because raisins are for sissies.

Sometimes, the timing is perfect.

Several days ago, I found a singular packet of hot chocolate mix in a trash bin (located on a different dorm floor.  I'm branching out, guys!).  Normally, I'm all over that shit, but I dunno what happened.  I promptly forgot about it and making hot chocolate left the forefront of my mind.

Then today, a friend of mine was going to throw out a half-full (half-empty if you're a pessimist, which I am not, so we'll go with half-full) bag of marshmallows, but asked me if I wanted it first.  And everyone knows you can't turn down a bag of marshmallows.  It's practically a sin.  Anyway, so I took the marshmallows even though they're kinda stale and weirdly gooey at the same time.  Whatever.

It was at that moment that I remembered the packet of hot chocolate I had found.  Is this fate?  Why am I so lucky?  Hot chocolate AND marshmallows from the trash?  WHAT IS THIS MAGIC.  So I went on a quest to find my packet of hot chocolate and in the semi-organized mess that is my living space, I found it underneath my desk.  Huzzah.

This made my night and possibly my entire Wednesday.  'Cuz Wednesdays suck, y'all.  I advise you to go crack open that dumpster lid and find yourself a hot chocolate packet.  That's what I did, and look how well it turned out.  Happiness all around.

Pre-garbage Food

This blog seems to be having a huge impact on the few people reading it since I started it less than a week ago.  A mystical change has overcome my dorm hall.  They're much more conscious about what they're throwing away.  Now, people will offer me things they were just going to toss.  The entire throwing-something-in-the-garbage process is skipped and the food goes straight to me.  Man, what service!  It started a few days ago when a lovely girl on my hall offered me a loaf of rye bread she wasn't going to eat.  Last night, a bunch of friends and I went out to dinner and one girl couldn't finish her chicken wrap.  I'm a vegetarian, so instead of offering it to me, she threw it away and apologized for being so wasteful.  I've seen a few guilty looks when I happen to see someone put something in the garbage.  And I received more pre-garbage food tonight!  What's going on here?!  I hardly even need to look in the trash now to eat well.  It's funny what a few blog posts can do over the course of several days.

Tonight's charitable food donations to my stomach fund: vegetable quiche and some sort of mushroom barley whatsit.  Thank you, my no-longer-wasteful-but-still-picky-eaters-friends!

Lost your ID? No problemo!

Today's one of those days where I thank my lucky stars I'm not a picky eater and am willing to eat pretty much whatever.  I lost my student ID card (I'll share my trash stash with you if you find it and return it.. PWEEEEASE), meaning no access to my dorm building, the gym, or most importantly: FOOD.  What's a girl to do when she can't stroll on over to the market and use her meal plan?  Well, the answer is simple: rely solely on the trash (just kidding, mooching works too (thaaaaanks, Taylor)).  And with that, I present you with my meager findings of the day.  A mostly-gone box of shortbread cookies and an unopened clif bar.  Beggars can't be choosers, but I'd probably choose this stuff over the market food anyway, so... all is right in the world.  Or at least as right as it can be without an ID card.  Keep your eyes peeled, everyone; it looks like a square of plastic with my face on it.

You've been caught trash-handed.

A friend of mine asked what would happen if whoever threw away their mittens sees me wearing them.  Good question.  Sooner or later, someone's going to catch you with their trash and it's going to be awkward.  So what do you do when caught being trashy?  Here's my list of possible options.


1.  Explain your garbage-pickin' self and scold them lightly about their wastefulness.  (Buuuut-- that's the normal, sensible reaction.  Are we trash pickers normal and sensible?!  ARE WE?!  ...Well, yes, for the most part, but that doesn't change the fact that this method is fucking boring, so I suggest one of the others.)


2.  Smile sweetly and ask if they'd like it back.  Hypnotize them with your soulful eyes and overwhelming charm.


3.  Blatantly lie.  Ehh, and you might as well toss in a weird accent to throw 'em off guard.  Example:
Wasteful human: Is that the box of cheerios I just threw away?
You: No, ma'am, ah bought this 'ere box-uh cereal m'self o'er yonder westo' the Mississipi.


4.  Really quickly stuff the rest of it in your mouth and run.  (I probably wouldn't do this one if I was approached about the trash mittens.  I mean, I could probably fit a mitten in my cavern of a mouth, but... no.)


5.  Change the subject really fast.
Wasteful human: Are you eating the sandwich I just tossed?!
You: - Hey, is that Ghandi over there?!
        - What's your opinion on grape flavored things?
        - Wanna see the scar on my knee?
Etc, etc.  They'll think you're a crazy weirdo, but hey- trifling matters when you've got yourself a free sandwich.

Forget about food, let's talk about MITTENS

This blog is supposed to be about documenting all the food I find, but I'm gonna throw in an un-food-related post because I found something wonderful in the trash that just so happens to be unedible.
MITTENS.

There I was-- walking through Marche, one of the campus cafeterias, minding my own business, not even thinking about checking the trash.  My sole mission was to toss my garbage and be on my way.  But once you see a glimmer of something in the trash, you can't just walk away.  You have to investigate.  And investigate, I did!  A pair of pink and white striped fleece-lined fold-back mittens.   How perfectly splendid.  They're a bit shabby and a tad on the pilly side, but that's no reason to throw them away!

Free food and warm hands.  Doesn't get much better than that.

Late Night Carbs

Picture this: after walking uphill for what seemed like miles and miles, you come back from a party at 2am, freezing cold and still drunkish.  What's the absolute best thing that could happen to you at that point in time?  YOU FIND A LOAF OF BREAD IN THE TRASH, THAT'S WHAT.  Wait, what's better than finding a loaf of bread?  FINDING TWO LOAVES OF BREAD!  Share with your drunk friends, add peanut butter, and you've got yourself a wonderful ending to a wonderful night.  Happy drunk-eating, everyone!

Sweet Potato Victory

To celebrate a couple of friends' birthdays, a bunch of us went out to dinner at Sweetwaters on Church Street.  I ordered fresh, not-from-the-trash food and it wasn't bad, but overall I'd give it a "meh."  I hate spending money on food (obviously, or this blog wouldn't exist).

Gorgonzola pear flatbread.  Yummz.

ANYWAY.  Back to the point of the story-- several people ordered sweet potato fries and for some unknown reason, didn't have the stomach capacity to eat all of them (can we just pause for a sec-- no room for SWEET POTATO FRIES?!  I thought it was humanly impossible to not ingest every single sweet potato fry given to you.  Okay, maybe that's just me, but I digress).  So.  With the fries packed up to go, we left, leaving our numbers to Brian, the gorgeous waiter (but that's a whole different story.  Wink.)

Several hours later, after having broken out the to-go boxes and reliving the glory that is restaurant leftovers, the boxes were thrown away and the sweet memory of leftover fries was fading from our collective consciousness.  Until!  Lo and behold, upon entering the kitchen, I spied a box!  At the top of the trash bin!  And there were still FRIES in it!  Mind you, they were the ugly, weird-looking fries that picky eaters tend to forgo, but am I a picky eater?  Nope!  Never have sweet potato fries tasted so good as when they are freshly pulled out of the trash.  Wait, what?  But seriously.  Victory.

The biggest stash of trash food in the world

Last night was a FANTASTIC stroke of luck.  I don't know who the heck threw all this out, but I'm not complaining!  

3 boxes of cereal - Honey Nut Cheerios, Froot Loops, and Lucky Charms.

4 boxes of bars: multigrain bars, clif bars, snackwell's, planters...GAH!

A bag of the BEST granola I've ever had.  So so good.  Favorite find of the night.

Some candy corn (and some other candy as well - lifesavers, gummies, a Bit-O-Honey bar).

Bags of unpopped popcorn.

There was also a box of Cheez-its, Wheat things, and a few single-serve packs of Kraft mac n' cheese.  I'm usually a pretty lucky gal, but this was just ridiculous.  Over-the-top ridiculous.  

This was WAY more food than I could eat by myself, so most of it I ended up giving to the boys' suite on the floor below me and sharing with whoever was willing to eat trash food (which, by the way, is most people if the offerings are delectable enough).  I kept the granola, the cheerios, and a few granola bars.  Another rule of trash-picking: only take what you know you or someone else you know will eat.  Otherwise, what's the point?  

Trash Eatin' Guidelines!

Alright, let's be honest here.  No one likes being recognized as "that weird girl who eats shit from the trash," so you gotta have some guidelines to boost your self esteem and actually make it worthwhile.

1.  Be stealthy.  If you're gonna go through the garbage, don't do it during the lunch rush at Brennan's.  Duh.  Remember how I mentioned embarrassment in that first post?  Yeah.  Don't do it in largely populated places.

2.  Check the expiration date.  Check for mold.  Check for anything that might look suspiciously like a trap.  That discarded food might have been thrown away for an actual reason and you best leave it there.

3.  The stuff on top is your best bet.  If you have to get your hand goopy to get through to the good stuff, it's SO not worth it.  I may be disgusting, but I do have my limits, thank you.

4.  Packaged food is AWESOME.  If it hasn't even been opened, congratulations, you just found gold.  If it has been opened, give it a quick check-over to make sure no other trash slipped in there and then be on your merry way.

5.  Share your treasures with your friends.  Who doesn't love a good cookie party?  But, word of advice-- you should probably tell your friends where you found said cookies before they ingest them, otherwise they might spit them back at you or just generally be a little peeved.  

HELLO!

Hi there!  If you want to know about all the wonderful things one may find in the trash bins of UVM, you've come to the right place.  Right now, I live in a Health and Wellness residential hall, meaning the food that gets thrown away is GREAT.  And my room is right by the garbage, so... life is perfect.  My lovely friend Bryanna Doe suggested I document everything I find in blog form, so here it is.  Welcome to "You Trash It, I Eat It," a detailed account of my life as a hungry college student, digging through garbage.

Here's a bit of my trash-eating history... It all started a few years ago when my brother ate a piece of pizza and threw away the crust.  Obviously, the crust is the best part, so obviously I had to go salvage it.  And thus, my trashy ways were born.  Yes, my family still brings that up every now and again, but hey, NO SHAME.  If there's something delicious in that garbage can, you darn well better go nab it.

I don't blame you if you're judging me for this; heck, I'd judge me too.  It's disgusting.  It's embarrassing.  Sometimes you find things that make you want to throw up.  Sometimes the person who threw the food away finds you eating it.  Things can get messy, but it's worth it in the end when you've got a big bowl of free cereal and a sense of accomplishment.  So throw away your pride and dig in.