Cinco de WHAT?!

Happy Cinco de Mayo, y'all!  I love love love holidays, even if I'm relatively unsure exactly what is being celebrated.  Up until a couple years ago, I had the vague idea that Cinco de Mayo actually involved mayonnaise (hence the "Mayo" part).  Boy, was I wrong.  It's actually about guacamole and stuffing your face with it.  Nah, but really it's actually a yay-Mexico-won-a-battle-a-while-ago kinda thang.  So...yeah.  That about sums up the extent of my knowledge on both Mexico AND Spanish to English translations (read: I know nothing).

ANYWHO.  My mom and I had plans to go out to dinner, and naturally we ended up at a Mexican restaurant.  I've never had Mexican food, so it was an...interesting experience.  We started out with chips and salsa and both my indecisiveness and the waitress' harping resulted in us ordering guacamole with the chips.  BEST IDEA EVER.

My lovely mother, posing with the drool-
inducing guacamole.  Yumz x 23857923.

She made it right in front of us, using a mortar and pestle to mash up avocado, garlic, and some other stuff that I completely missed because I was too awed and drooly to actually pay attention.  It was so so good.  Gah.

My mom got crab tacos.  Or something like that.  The entree names were mostly in Spanish, so it was like, "Uhhh...this has fish!  It's a go!"  The prettiest (and also blandest) part of her meal was the bright purple cabbage.  It actually looks kind of like a Dr. Seuss character just chillin' on her plate.  Eww.

Honestly, I have NO IDEA what the heck I ordered.  I guess I must've looked a bit lost, so the waitress came over to help and I told her my food restrictions: no gluten, no dairy, no meat.  Immediately, she pointed to something on the menu and I put all of my trust in her hands and ordered it.  I think they might be enchiladas, but I'm obviously not a Mexican expert, so...

It was pretty disgusting.  I have absolutely no idea what was inside those corn tortillas.  I saw a mushroom at one point and rejoiced at the fact that there was recognizable food in my mouth.  I think there might've been some black bean paste in there too.  All that black goop, though?  NO FUCKING CLUE.  It tasted spicy and sweet and goopy and barfy.

What have I learned today?
1) When someone asks if you want guacamole, the answer is always yes.
2) Don't let the waitress order for you because it'll make you gag.
3) Mexico is definitely not my homeland.