Ready for an extensive rant from a completely type-A perfectionist?! Yeah, you are! This has nothing whatsoever to do with the general theme of this (neglected) blog, but it's in my brain and it has to go somewhere and I'm too lazy to handwrite it in my journal.
This summer, I'm working over 70 hours a week and I'm constantly going back and forth between home and my apartment, depending on whichever is closer to my next job shift. I have no time to breathe or pause or think about how stressed I am or make any time-consuming mistakes.
The thing is, though, is that this is not new to me. I have always taken on as much as possible and it's been a pretty consistent pattern since my high school days. Never before as much as this though and I'm having a hard time functioning as a normal human on the occasions when I happen to have a few hours free.
When I have a morning or an afternoon off, I try to cram as much in as possible. I'll bake something, go to the gym, meet up with a friend (or even two if I can swing it), take a trip to Goodwill, hang out with my parents... But I have to parse out my free time so that I can fit all that in, and then it becomes stressful to have every bit of my time planned down to the minute.
I didn't have to work this morning and I purposely didn't plan anything for myself, but then I woke up and panicked because I didn't know what to do. I go into guilt mode when I let myself sleep in or watch an episode of something on netflix. Like I could be accomplishing so much more by utilizing that time. Like I am wasting away my life with mundane things when I could be out making friends and memories and dreams come true, blah blah.
I had the sudden realization today that I have reached an unhealthy level of stress. When I left the house this morning, I discovered a sticky/waxy/gross substance that had soaked through part of my backpack (I think it might be toothpaste?). I had a mini breakdown in the car. I was mentally putting together a schedule of how I would spend the remainder of the morning and I couldn't possibly find the time to take everything out of my backpack, clean the things, clean the backpack, let it dry, and then put everything back in. It just seemed like an impossible task-- something that would waste away my precious time that I wanted to use living.
It's so stupid. I know. I cried about spilled toothpaste.
Something has to change.
I need to be able to take a day off without flipping out and sinking into a funk because I don't know what to do with myself. I need to remember what it's like to be myself and do what I want to do. I need to remember what it IS I want to do, because I seem to have forgotten what's important to me and what energizes me. I need to spend some time with just me and not compare myself with others.
I'm not sure how to get back there, though. I'm not sure how to un-train myself and my way of thinking. I guess it'll be a gradual thing that I'll really have to work at, but I'm ready to start...
...As soon as I can find the time.
(That ending is so cheesy, I'm keeping it hahahahahah)
No comments:
Post a Comment