Sweet Apple Sammies

For the past couple years (and by a couple, I actually mean a few, and by a few I mean more like 7) I've had a subscription to Seventeen Magazine.  It used to be my favorite magazine.  I loved articles like, "get your crush to notice you" and "I was robbed in a parking lot and survived now listen to me preach about how life is precious." All that crap.  Needless to say, I was an avid Seventeen follower.  In the past year or two though, I chose to cancel my subscription due to all the bullshit and body image distortion, blah blah blah... also the fact that I am no longer anywhere near 17 years old.  But the magazine just keeps showing up on my doorstep anyway.

So today, because I have a stack of magazines taller than the world's second-smallest woman (that's Madge Bester, in case anyone was wondering.  She's 2'2" tall), I've been doing some collaging.  While viciously ripping through page after page searching for images that weren't skinny white girls or nail polish ads, I found a recipe or "sweet apple sammies."  And then I made one and it was delicious.

Wanna know how to make one?  Even though you can probably tell from the picture?  OKAY!

1) Take an apple, cut it down the middle, then chop off the stemmy ends.  Cut out the core, and voila, you've got yourself a coupla apple donuts.  You can just stop right there if you want.  They're so cute, it's hard not to eat them right away.

2) If you make it past step 1, smear some peanut buttery goodness on there.

3) Throw some chocolate chips into the peanut butter for the "sweet" aspect of the recipe title.

4) Smoosh the two apple donuts together and BAM you've got an adorable sandwich thing that is decently healthy.

After 7 years of receiving this magazine, I think this is the first time I've actually made one of the dumb "get fit now!" recipes they always throw in for shits and giggles.  Maybe I'll give Seventeen another chance... HA, JUST KIDDING.  So done.

Batman at the Bees Knees

My mom, brother, and I went to the Bees Knees for dinner tonight.  The Bees Knees is the "bees knees."  Har har.  But really.  The food is great, the live music is great, the local art is fantastic, and you have not truly experienced the Bees Knees until you've been in the creepy, painted bathroom and looked at all the foot-less cartoon people that watch you pee.

The one downside to the restaurant is that it takes a while to get your food.  Luckily, someone had left behind a battered Batman figurine on the table for us to play with.  This particular Batman was, ahem, a little loose in the crotch area.  Please enjoy this short video of my brother flailing Batman around.

I got the black bean burger with some potato wedges.  I didn't have time to take a picture of it because it was somehow in my mouth before I could even reach for my camera.  In the competition between my camera and my stomach, the stomach usually wins.  This is again demonstrated in the picture below where, as you can see, we bought some gluten-free cookies, but they disappeared before picture-time.  So instead, here's a picture of the empty cookie bag with loose-crotch Batman inside.  How cute.

 

The cookies are from Liz Lovely and the brand name does not lie-- they are lovely.  We got plain' ol chocolate chip (chip-eee-i-oh!) cookies.  They looked like huge, dry dog treats but actually tasted like raw Tollhouse cookie dough and happiness.  While trying to find that clip of Spongebob eating his grandma's cookies (you know the one..) in order to demonstrate the absolute joy experienced with Liz Lovely's cookies, I stumbled upon this weird little tune instead.  Then I promptly got sucked into the obscure section of youtube filled with indie Australian bands with less than 5,000 views.  Who gives a crap about Spongebob clips when you can stare at cute Aussie boys with ginger afros?

Challenge me to a game of Bingo and I will WINNN.

I don't know if it's something I ate or something specific I did, but my lucky streak today is way out of control.  No one deserves to be this lucky.  That said, I'm NOT complaining; today was awesome.  The first miracle of the day came when I woke up and knew exactly what I wanted to wear.  This may seem like no big deal, but lemme tell ya, sometimes I just don't feel like wearing anything.  Those are the days I remind myself that technically, it's not illegal to go around naked in Vermont as long as you don't strip your clothes outside or some mumbo like that.  But nine times out of ten, I end up putting clothes on.  Whatever.  Anyway, so that was a big deal.

Big deal numero two: I was driving home from Burlington half-listening to the radio just trying to make it through those damn commercials when I heard "free tickets" and a phone number.  I (unsafely, whoops) whipped out my phone, tapped in the number, and voila!  I was caller #7 and won two tickets to go see Sweeney Todd in Lebanon this weekend.  THAT NEVER HAPPENS.  I've never called to win anything before because what're the odds I'd call at the exact right moment?  Also lucky thang numero 2.5: I didn't crash while using my phone to win things.

           

                                 

Big deal numero tres: BINGO, BABAAYYYY.  Every Wednesday night during the summer, Elmore hosts a community bingo as a fundraiser for the milfoil problem in the lake.  Tonight I scored so hard.  I won the first round with a straight-across bingo ("Hoooorizontal!  Vertical!  Diiiiii-agonal!") and won some fresh raspberries.  

Then I won AGAIN and picked up one of those nifty stench-spreaders.  When I brought it home and showed it off to my mother, she gasped.  Apparently she's desperately allergic to the scent "gardenia."  Rats.

Last week, I won a wiffle bat and a plate of cookies.  I am KILLA at bingo, but only in Elmore.  During finals week at UVM, my friend Shannon and I went to a bingo game hosted by the inter-residence association and things got stressful.  When you're winning raspberries and wiffle balls, it's not such a big deal, but when the prizes are a bit more appealing, it becomes a sweaty, hostile event.  I'd much rather play bingo in Elmore than with a bunch of rowdy, technology-hungry college kids.  Oops, looks like my transformation into a grandma is almost complete.  And speaking of grandmas, the theme for next weeks in Elmore is "bring your grandma to bingo!" SO EXCITED.

A bajillion macaroons, mini pumpkin muffins, and disastrous peppermint patties.

I woke up today wanting to bake anything and everything, preferably things that involve mini cupcake wrappers since I have 19 boxes.  I looked up a bunch of recipes and couldn't decide, so I ended up making 3 different things.  It's a risky business having me in the kitchen...baking things...using the oven... 

1) Coconut macaroons.

These turned out pretty darn well!  Since they're so small I had to do multiple batches, so there are a HUNDREDS of them.  And by hundreds, I mean maybe around 60.  But still.  That's a lot of macaroons.  There woulda been more, but I'm really bad about eating it before it goes in the oven... 

2) Peppermint patties.

As you can tell from this picture, these did NOT turn out well.  The main problem was that the recipe called for agave nectar and I didn't have it, so I used sugar water.  Also, the main ingredient is coconut oil which is gross and tastes like coconut-flavored crisco.  Also, I didn't melt the chocolate properly, so when it came time to dip the crisco/sugar balls, it didn't work.  Instead, we ended up pouring the chocolate onto the patties instead, which melted the oil.  Hence, there is a big sloppy mess.

Both Dad and Tucker tried a piece of the peppermint patties and both were unable to swallow it.  They're that bad.  The pan is now stashed in the freezer in hopes that someday one of us will rediscover them and magically think they're delicious.  But until that day comes, I'd steer clear of the freezer.

Tucker sharing the pot of burnt chocolate with Callie.

Tucker sharing the pot of burnt chocolate with Finn Hudson.

3) Pumpkin muffins

I cheated with this one and used a gluten-free mix.  They turned out normal, but bland.  Ah, well.  At least they're mini and adorable.

Aaaaand now I'm sick of baking.  At least it wasn't all a complete failure!  Macaroons are obviously my calling.

More cupcake wrappers than you can shake a stick at!

You know those questions that keep you up at night?  Where will I be in 5 years, how many cats do I have to adopt to consider myself a cat-lady, what's the secret ingredient in krabby patties, etc etc?  Well,  I stumbled upon another of those thought-inducing questions tonight at work: Why the HECK are there 19 boxes of mini cupcake wrappers chillin' in the kitchen?!

Tonight at work, I was given the task of going through the kitchen and cleaning out the junk we don't use.  I uncovered a gold mine of cupcake wrappers.  You know someone had a wrapper-collecting problem when you can make a 5-tiered pyramid out the the unopened boxes.  Just sayin'.

We don't make cupcakes or muffins or anything that needs a wrapper at work (and even if we did, they'd be normal-sized because bigger is better when it comes to dessert.  Duh), so these things were useless laying around the kitchen.  I salvaged them.  I WILL find a way to use them.

Tomorrow, you can find me in the kitchen baking mini delights and/or desperately gluing little paper cups to everything.  Come on over and eat some mini junk or take a couple boxes off my hands.  (seriously, take these wrappers away).

I wasn't joking when I said this stuff would go in my blog...

Here I am (another 3 am-ish post) blogging about the cast party immediately after arriving home from said party.  What a lame-o.  Anyway, here are my 3am thoughts.

1) This has been my favorite cast of all time.  Holy cow, I love allllll of you guys... even the divas and my Chinese boyfriend.  Especially my Chinese boyfriend.

2) My hairspray helmet is so hard, Mark thought maybe it could cut glass.  Gonna need a bathtub full of conditioner to even think about getting these curls out.

2) Katie-Caney crump time is going to be sorely missed.  Who the heck am I gonna crump with now?  Myself?!  Yeah right-- unlike Billy Idol, I'd rather not dance with myself.

Katie, my 10-year old best friend and crumping partner,
made this collage of me being weird.  She's the best.

                                  

3) I forgot to take a picture of it, but I'm MEGA proud of the gluten free/dairy free blueberry crumble I made.  It tasted normal and the pan was scraped clean by the time I left the cast party.  Granted, I probably ate half of it myself and might've been the one to scrape the pan, but ya know what?  I don't blame me.  It was darn good.

4) Oops, this should be number 5, not 4.  Goodbye, math skillz.

Whatever, I've lost count.  Anyway.

The point of this blog post is to talk about the cast superlatives.  Before the show, we all filled out little ballot thingers with categories like, "best on-stage disaster," and "messiest backstage," etc etc.  I won several and I can't for the life of me remember exactly how they were phrased, but here we go anyway.

I think the pumice stone was won for the "worst dancer" category. I'm actually a bit confused here.  My on-stage dancing was meh... but backstage?!  I was a whirlwind of non-stop crump-age and new groove moves!  Whatever, I'm just happy to have won a pumice stone.  Wait.  Read that sentence again.  Who in their right mind would be excited about receiving a foot-scraper?  THIS GAL.

This was my favorite win of the night.  Obviously, how could it not be?  It's a SIPPY CUP PANDA BEAR.  WHAAAT.  It has nothing to do with the category, but I think it was "best pre-show pumper-upper" or something along those lines.  Who cares, it's a SIPPY CUP PANDA BEAR OMG OMG.  Look how cute he is.  I just want to snuggle with him and drink lemonade all the live-long day.

And best for last, the lovely Ms. Leslie gave us each a little parting gift: a Thoroughly Modern Millie poster with each of our faces photoshopped in.  AHAHAHAHAHA.  I think my favorite moment of the cast party was when everyone opened them all at once and there was a collective scream of surprise.  I LOVE this.  I wanna hug everyone.  And then laugh about how dumb they look in a feather headdress.  And then feed them my blueberry crumble.  And then stay in touch forever.  

Goodnight.  I'm sure I'll wake up and read this and be completely horrified at how weird I am at 3am.

The Book Dumpster

Scored a motherload of books today, thanks to my parents and their perfect timing.  Every year on the 4th, the local library has a book sale from around 10 am - early afternoon.  Up until now, I was always there right as it opened, ready to spend my life savings on $2 books.  This year, my parents and I opted for a day at the beach instead of sticking around for the book sale, parade, and all that other July 4th crap, so we got there around 4pm when everything was free.

My dad volunteers to help set up all the tables and books, so he got the inside scoop.  Once the parade rush is over and people gradually leave, the price of the books goes down.  Eventually, they're free and then at the end of the day they get tossed.  Holy cow. This reminds me of Ray Bradbury's "Fahrenheit 451," in which all the books in the world are destroyed and burned.  Such a sad fate for some books that people have loved and may have loved in the future.  Gah, that's so sappy, but SERIOUSLY.  Look at this: 

That's right, I'm in a dumpster full of books.  And all those boxes on the right?  Those are all full of books too.  If they're gonna be thrown away, at least recycle.  Geez.

I scavenged quite a few, but there are only so many books I can save before my bookshelf collapses.  I wish I could save them all.  :(  Happy birthday, America, I hope you're proud.

Miracle pizza

Today's adventure: gluten and dairy free pizza.  Insane, right? ...Since gluten and dairy are what make pizza so gosh darn delicious.  I was expecting a humongo taste bud explosion-- and not the fun firework kind; more like the Fukushima meltdown kind-- but, surprisingly, it was FANTASTIC.  Let's recap, shall we?

Step 1: Make the dough.
I made the dough from a mix, but it was like no mix I'd ever seen.  For starters, I had to add like 20 separate ingredients (I was expecting the equivalent to a brownie mix-- egg, oil, and water: BOOM, DESSERT).  And then the baking directions were cryptic and it was like one of those "choose your own adventure" books because they kept sending me to the middle of different paragraphs.  Get your shit together, mix-makers!

And then I carried that bucket of dough around with me for an hour, waiting for it to rise.  Looking back, I could've left it on the counter, but it ended up coming with me to the grocery store, a thrift store, and the bank.  Me n' ma bread baby.  D'aww.

Step 2: Roll out the dough.  

Yeah, see, this sounds a lot easier than it actually is.  The dough was so sticky, there was no way I was going to be able to roll it out without the help of flour, which is definitely not gluten free.  Instead, I found some parchment paper and put it between the dough and the rolling pin.  Voila!  It looked like shit!  As you can see in the picture above.

Step 3: Dump some crap on it.

Once the dough looked sufficiently stupid, I poured all my ingredients on top.  The only dairy free cheese I could find at Hannaford was Daiyea brand pepperjack.  Pepperjack cheese is not the greatest pizza cheese, but for a desperate dairy-free gal, it was sufficient.  

Step 4: Leave pizza in the oven for twice as long as the riddle box tells you.

After the suggested 15 minutes of bake time, the middle of the pizza was still as doughy as my stomach after Thanksgiving.  Another 15 minutes in there and then I said fuck it and just ate some.  Life's too short to burn the edges of your pizza just to cook the middle.

Step 5: Go back for seconds.  And then thirds.  And then congratulate you and your food baby with a well-deserved nap.

Overall, the pizza was darn good.  It may have been 2 inches thick with not enough sauce and the wrong kind of cheese, but hey!  It was my first attempt and it wasn't a complete disaster, so that's kind of encouraging.  I'm on an upswing, ladies and gentlemen.  For the first time in Demars household history, I have made food that was edible and delicious and didn't make me want to throw up.  Me and my food baby are gonna go take another nap now.