The most pathetic blog post I've ever written.

My well of word-vomit has run dry for the moment, so here are more pictures than usual to make up for it.

Homemade gluten-free and vegetarian spring rolls!

Gluten-free s'mores.

Bonfire.

Goddamn, this is a pitiful excuse for a blog post.  Whatever.  I'm gonna go take a nap.

Expensive food + me = not BFFs.

I had an awkward amount of time between rehearsal and work today.  My body was like, "TAKE A NAP" and my brain was like "GO DRESS SHOPPING" and then while they were bickering I went out to lunch.  Sneaky move, eh?

I ended up at the Green Goddess because all I wanted was a huge ass sandwich (huge-ass sandwich, not huge ass-sandwich, because those are two completely different things. Wink.) I was positive they'd have gluten-free bread.  They were out (dagnabbitblargheddycrap), so I ended up choosing the make-your-own-salad option.  I don't remember all the junk I told them to dump in there, but can you really go wrong?  No.  Not when there are grapes involved.  Finding grapes in your salad is sort of like walking into a hotel in Chinatown where the floor is cut into little bridges and there are goldfish swimming all over the place.  It's surprising and I never get sick of it.

Look at the SIZE of that thing!  That bowl is literally larger than my head.  You're probably wondering how much it cost.  I know I was when they handed it to me... but I'm not going to tell ya.  I'm kind ashamed to have paid so much for one salad, especially since I was still hungry afterwards.  Ugh.  It looks hearty and wonderful, but 95% of it was just greens.  Not to say it wasn't delicious, I just happen to be a black hole and I demand sufficient feeding.

So.  Lesson learned: don't go out to eat unless a) your mom is paying for you, b) you're prepared to barter your first born child, or c) you were gonna go blow it on more clothing you don't need anyway. 

Living on my death bed.

HEY, EVERYBODY.  I don't suppose you're curious about my current bodily functions, are you?  You are?!  Great, well let's talk about them.

I'm sick as can be.  Well, yesterday I was sick as can be.  Today I'm still pretty darn sick, but at least I can walk.  For the most part.  Anywho, I spent all of yesterday either in a semi-coma or reading trashy romance novels (nothin' keeps me awake like one of those tired ol' forbidden love plot lines!)  So that was that.  Until yesterday, I'd never spent an entire day in bed.  I must say, it was actually quite nice not being able to move.  No one expects you to be anywhere or do anything because you're too sick to function.  It was great.

And then I woke up this morning and was able to ingest solid foods and my fever was relatively under control and I was LOVIN' LIFE.  But then all of a sudden I couldn't swallow and things got really uncomfortable really fast.  This might be TMI, but it got to the point where I couldn't swallow without feeling like I was going to split apart, so I just started spitting in a bucket.  It's disgusting, I know.  But hey, kind of amusing right?  "Hey, there goes Caney with her bucket of spit!"  It's not really very funny to me right now, but if (WHEN) I get better, I'll probably be mortified and a little bit proud of my problem-solving skillz.  Ya gotta do whatcha gotta do.

Me with my bucket.  D'aww.

So.  Turns out I have almost-strep.  I went to the doctor and she couldn't see past my tonsils because they grew to the size of baby elephants.  The swab test came out negative, but she gave me the antibiotics anyway because it looked like strep and because I was so pathetically whiney.  

On a better note, I finally got to use the cute little tissue wallet my play director gave me!  It's been sitting untouched in my bag for a week, so I'm a little bit overly excited to be using them.  Thanks, Amena!  This pack'll be gone in no time.  Literally.  I'm like a faucet.

I was trying to look excited, but it came out as... sickly.

And there you have it.  I'm a disgusting human being.  I hope, for your sake, you haven't come into contact with anything I've touched recently.  I've got the Midas touch... but with germs, not gold.  Hopefully tomorrow will be an even better recovery day... Fingies crossed.

Workin' on my NIGHT CHEESE.

I suspect most of you know all about night cheese.  And for those of you who don't, it's a wonderful thing and should be practiced regularly.  Here, watch this:

If you were too lazy to watch that 17 second clip (I don't blame you, staring at a video is hard work), basically what happens is Tina has a late-night cheesy snack attack and then plays it off like she was sleeping when Jack knocks on her door.  Classic.

Cheese is the most major craving I've had since giving up dairy.  I've been deprived of my night cheese and DAMMIT, I wanted it back!  Until-- dun dun duuuun-- my dad came home from the grocery store today with a bag of THIS: 

That's right, folks, soy-based shredded cheese made with vegetables.  YUUUMMMM....?  I worked on my night cheese around 1am, prime snackin' time.  Everything tastes better late at night, but this stuff was actually more appetizing than it sounds.  Has a bit of a different aftertaste, but I ate it by itself so maybe I shouldn't be so quick to judge.

--BUT WAIT.  After stuffing my face with night cheese for a little while, I finally came up for air and glanced at the nutrition facts, where I thought my eyes deceived me.  For there, the second ingredient on the list, was casein-- a dried skim milk thingy.  This stuff contains milk!  GWARGH.  My happy night cheese quickly went awry.   

So here I am, 1:45am, cautiously awaiting any unpleasant dairy symptoms.  Fuck you, night cheese-- I give you endless praise and all I get in return is a stomach ache.  

Cozy Fingies.

The day started off on an unusually exciting note when I checked facebook (first thing in the morning because c'mon, who doesn't love some pre-breakfast stalking) and saw that the Donomar Inn was having a yard sale.  I LOVE the Donomar Inn (it's currently owned by my high school AP English teacher and her partner, but they're now trying to sell it.  On the off-chance that anyone reading this is looking to buy the cutest little B&B that you ever did see, check it out).  In high school, my class went on a little congratulations-you-survived-AP-English outing to the Inn and I immediately fell in luuuurve.  It's a beautiful old Victorian filled with sunshine and knick knacks and vintage furniture and themed rooms and OH MY GOSH I wish I could buy it.

So anyway.  Due to my love for both the Inn and its owners, I was pretty wicked excited and was all set to hop in my car and roll on over when I realized that I already had plans and wouldn't be able to make it.   Ohhh, the disappointment!  Ohhh, the despair!  I wallowed for a while and then watched the first 15 minutes of Cheetah Girls to cheer me up (let's be real here, nothin' cheers me up more than a bunch of tweens decked out in fake fur with nasally singing voices).

And then, by some great stroke of luck, my mother ended up in the general vicinity of the Inn and she needed very little convincing (ahem, begging) to go check out the yard sale.  So check it out, she did and ended up coming home with patio furniture, decorating ideas, and a couple of wonderful accessories picked out just for me by Ms. Donovan herself.  (Side note: Ms. Donovan, if you're reading this, I know you'd want us to call you Moira now, but I just don't think that'll ever happen).

After a long day of play rehearsal and then a ridiculously long shift at work, I came home to these fantastic new additions to my dress-up box.  The first is a beautiful hand-crocheted scarf.  Tres grandma-chic.  I haven't taken it off yet.

The second is a pair of royal blue velvet gloves with sequin embroidery.  I just about died when I saw them.  There was a split second where I wished I could go back to that black hole of a high school experience and redo the prom thang to wear these babies. (High school wasn't really a black hole (that was middle school, fo realz), but I would never want to relive it.  Shudder).  As soon as I put them on, I felt infinitely more elegant and instantly became the most sophisticated-looking person in the room.  Granted, the only other one in the room was Callie, our limpy dog, but hey.  I'll take it.

To summarize:

1) Next time you see me, I'll probably be wearing blue gloves.

2) Go check out the Donomar Inn's yard sale!  It'll be going on for a few weekends.  I'll probably be going.  Hollaaa if ya wanna carpool.

3) THANK YOU MUCHO, MS. DONOVAN!

That one time I drank rusty pond water.

Ya know what's great? Healthy eating.  Ya know what's not so great?  Drinking brown, foamy vegetables.

 

My mom's been really into juicing things recently.  She pretty much just throws a buncha random shit in a glorified blender and hopes it tastes (and looks!) good-- and usually it does!  Today's was a combination of carrots, apples, and kale, I think.  But I can't be sure because my mom randomly shoved a glass of it at my face and I obliged, not yet noticing the barfy color.

And then I drank it.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I ingested that foamy drink that resembles rusty pond water.  ...And it wasn't that bad.  I had to close my eyes to keep from gagging at the sight of it, but taste-wise it really wasn't as repulsive as it looks.

Cape, cakes, and pancakies!

It's been quite a day over here.  At the top of my to-do list was to make a cape.  And so make a cape, I did!  The good news: It didn't turn out looking shitty.  It looks like an actual cape, which is a miracle in itself.  The bad news: I'm an idiot and used a pattern for toddlers.  The cape goes down to my waist, as opposed to my ankles where it should be.  And I didn't even make it for me-- I made it for someone who's over 6 feet tall... Awkward.

Next on the list was drunk kitchen.  We didn't end up doing the drinking part of drunk kitchen because it wasn't even afternoon yet, so we ended up just doing the kitchen part.  Whatever, it was still a blast and a half.  How can you not have fun making POTATO PANCAKES?!  I picked up the mix at school during Passover because all that Jewish food looked new and intriguing.  I hadn't used it yet, so why not today!?  

They were harder to cook than we expected...mostly my fault.  I used about a cup and a half more oil in the pan than I should have and I might not've even read the directions on the package.  I had Linnea do most of the flipping because she's a more capable human being than I.

Here's the finished product: dinky and cute.  Potato-y and pancake-y.

Aaaand then they sucked.  Well, I suppose they weren't that bad, but they were pretty soaked with oil and tasted like old McDonald's hash browns.  But really, I mean what was I actually expecting?  I should've guessed that this little $3 box of Passover potato stuff wasn't going to fulfill my dreams of the perfect pancakes.

At least Linnea looks cute with her "yuck" face.

And then, to make up for the crappy pancakkies, we made cake.  Actually, they were brownies, but for the sake of the cute rhyme-y title of this post, we'll call it cake.  Thankfully, we made it from a mix where all that was needed was an egg and a cup of water.  Even I can't mess that up. 

Again, please appreciate me looking weird and demon-like and then Linnea looking adorable.  Story of my life, y'all.

How is it possible for a girl and a brownie to look so damn good together?!  I don't normally suggest this, but I think maybe she should consider marrying that chunk of deliciousness.